The Sun Sets, but a Pale Light Remains

Jake LaMotta knew how the Dolphins & I felt by halftime this past Sunday

By the end of the game against the Texans, the Dolphins had managed enough of a comeback to maintain a certain amount of self-respect ("You never got me down, Ray."), and to push down some of the bile rising in my throat. Still, there was no doubt which was the better team that day. It was nauseating.

As dejected as I was after that affair, the desperately optimistic part of me was glad to see that, by the numbers, Miami's not out of it yet.

Here's the step-by-step miracle that we should hope for, in no particular order of impossibility:

The one o'clocks:

(1) The Browns beat the Jaguars. We may actually have a decent shot at this one. The Jags, while mathematically alive, are even less so than the Dolphins. They're playing in Cleveland and Mangini has to be on a really short leash, feeling the Arctic walrus breath of Mike Holmgreen on the back of his neck. The Browns have actually won a few games and may do the Phins a favor here. Impossibility Factor: 4/10


(2) The Patriots beat the Texans. Belichik may be pulling up stakes and heading for the playoffs in this one. The Pats have very little to play for at this point (home field in their 2nd playoff game, possibly), and the Texans are playing for everything. It's in Houston, where the fans are starving for a trip to the playoffs that will legitimize their existence. And, deep down, what would Satan's minion, Belichik, love more than to send one right up the Dolphins' cornhole by mailing it in? Impossibility Factor: 7/10


(3) The Game. If the Dolphins don't win, then nothing else in this post matters, really. However, without the bother of scoreboard-watching, I think they have an excellent chance to win. It's in Miami, the Steelers look to be without Polamolu to end the season, and our guys have to still be smoldering at how they played that first half against Houston. If they can keep the fire they showed in the second half kindled, they should be kicking dirt on Pittsburgh's season by 3:00. Impossibility Factor: 2/10


If the football gods have grown tired of smiting the Dolphins and deign to grant them the previous three boons, then we can stay tuned at 4:15 for:


(4) The Raiders beat the Ravens. Earlier this year, this would have been laughable. Now, though, I'm a bit more confident. The Ravens are a bit banged up and have to travel to the west coast, where the Raiders have been showing some vague resemblance to an NFL team in recent weeks. Some of the actual talent on that team is showing up, and they've shocked more than one decent team this year. The Ravens are never a walk-over, but I see the Raiders taking them out. Impossibility Factor: 5/10


And should the Dolphins still be swimming, point your bottle noses to this one at 8:20:


(5) The Bengals beat the Jets. Not only the last snag of this Gordian knot, but maybe also the tightest. Like the Pats/Texans game, this one is yin for one team, yang for the other. The Jets are playing for their lives, and the Bengals can afford to use this as their de facto bye week. Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis says he's going into it "full speed," due to his team's youth, in the hopes of avoiding complacency. I truly hope that's not just smoke & mirrors. The game is in the Meadowlands, and will be the final pro football game there, ever. The fans will be berserk. Maybe a horde of drunken Jets fans will storm the field, urinate on the refs, and the Jets will be disqualified. You may laugh, but these are Jets fans we're talking about here. Barring that, this one doesn't look good for the guys in teal. Impossibility Factor: 8/10


So there you have it. It's a true gauntlet. If the Dolphins come through this one with a playoff spot in their flippers, I swear that next season I will not say word one against the football gods. Hear my plea, oh Mighty Ones!! (If you can't grant me this slew of victories, at least let me see Dan Marino storm the field in Jersey, wearing a teal suit, and give Rex Ryan a flying side kick to all of his four chins. It may be more likely than the wins. And more rewarding.)