The Stone Cold Buddha and Garibaldi

Joey Porter sacks Matt Cassel yet again.

Today is nickname day. Enjoy it and be sure to call your loved ones by some affectionate pet name.

New Nicknames

My new name for the Ronnie and Ricky tandem is "Fire and Ice." Ronnie being a fiery dude and Ricky having ice water in his veins.

That said, let's get this started.

Coach Tony Sparano is to be called "Garibaldi."

Chad Pennington is now known as "The Commander."

Ricky "Ice Water" Williams. Or more affectionately known as "The Stone Cold Buddha."

Ronnie "Brimstone" Brown. I was going to go with Ronnie "Bituminous" Brown but that seemed like too much.

Jake Long is "The Truth." Plain and simple: We have a Pro Bowl left tackle.

"The Gambler" Teddy Ginn. This narrowly beat out Ted "The Wind" Ginn.

Greg "Gears" Camarillo. Nice mix of blue collar ruggedness and mercurial allusion.

Patrick "Clutch" Cobbs. What? The guy is the best special teamer in the league.

"Iron" Yeremiah Bell. "Liberty" Bell isn't tough enough for the team's leading tackler. The guy used to work in a Kentucky steel mill... Hardass doesn't explain half of Y.B.

"Ravishing" Matt Roth. You got to admit that's a pretty awesome name.

Channing Crowder is to be known from now on as "The Chancelor." Channing, when you start makign some more plays we'll upgrade your name.

Justin "Smash" Smiley. Not even slightly clever. But oh so apropos.

Vonnie "Hitman" Holliday. I mean, really though? The guy's name is pretty fucking cool as it is.

Joey Porter is "Apollyon, known amongst the people as The Destroyer and he who takes away from and diminishes the world."

The announcers should be able to work that in at some point.

Ah, A Game

For those of you with short attention spans, just skip to the video at the bottom.

It is time Dolphins fans. We have a team playing their hearts out in a quest no longer for redemption, but instead for actual acclaim. For a playoff birth, let alone a shot at 1st place in the AFC East. What? Yes. First place.

The Dolphins host AFC rival and aging ex-champ New England Patriots this week. A win would put their divisional record at 3-1, tying the first place jets.

The jets, sitting at 7-3, are at least the team with the best record. Dolphins. jets. Just in case you missed that...

The jets (By the way, what do you call a jets fan with $5 in their pocket? A thief.) are playing against the undefeated Tennessee Titans this weekend. Despite a desire to see Tennessee go down and the Dolphins' perfect season remain singular, a jets loss and Dolphins win would put both teams at 7-3 with matching divisional records.

The jets would still hold 1st place, because of their narrow victory against Miami in the 1st game. But the stage would be set for an epic week 16.

Following the Patsies, the Dolphins play @ St. Louis, @ Buffalo, host San Fran, go out to Arrowhead and then, last week of the regular season: THE jets. This team has a very good shot at winning ten games.

10-6 will be a wildcard spot this year. But I say, lets grab five wins, including one against the jets, and win the division.

What I say goes, so, it should all be fine.

In any case, Brett Favre should be ready by the playoffs for a real his back breaking interception. Maybe we should hold out for that one.

In any case, your Miami Dolphins are more than relevant. They are contenders.

Yessir.

Hey, Matt Cassel... Yeah, you. Joey's been asking about you. Said he's never had a time quite like he had with you. Sucks dude.

The First R.E. Young Raiders Nation Day

On the dual escalators of life the Dolphins and the Raiders have spent their fair share of time going to the lower floor. The Raiders and their fans are a little more adapted to being truly shitty. It's been that way more often than not.

My good, good friend, R.E. Young, is a Raiders fan. So The Phinisher now brings you the 1st R.E. Young Raiders Nation Day. This year we will celebrate it with a joke.

Here it goes:

A man recently got a job for a New York to Oakland courier service. The pay being tremendous, the man didn't mind working for month on month.

Soon though, at about six months, the man began to miss socializing. By eight months he was lonely. By 10 months he was flat out horny.

It was in the 11th month that the man spied a Oakland Raiders fan winking at him at a Oakland gas station. The Raiders fan was all decked out in his best silver and black tights and sparkly things.

Normally not prone to such vile sex acts as having sex with a Raiders fan, the poor courier was so very horny that he took the gas station Raiders fan up on the offer. Remember, he was from New York and also a Jets fan, so it's not really a big stretch.

After having utterly vile sex the couple (a Jets fan and a Raiders fan) decided to plan to meet again once the courier (Jets fan) came back to Oakland.

Only much to their chagrin this second rondezvous met with tragedy. The two were caught in the act and in California it is against the law and punishable by death.

In fact the Raiders fan was shot on site. The arresting police officer said that as a Raiders fan, the man had no family, income or prospects and clearly a thief or a vagabond full of STDs.

The poor courier, away from all his fellow loser Jets fans, was alone and scared. Jets fans scare easily.

That said: The lowly utterly worthless Jets fan was about to be put on trial. Even his very limited conception of the relations between words and meaning led him to ask about a lawyer.

The first lawyer said no chance. He had been caught having disgusting inhuman sex with a Raiders fan and that there was no way he could get him off.

The second lawyer, an old hand at trials in the bay area, said he could defend him. It was all about jury selection.

During the trial all but one of the witnesses testified and the poor courier thought he might have a shot after all. Then the 85 year old woman, a Chargers fan, came forward and said that in fact she had seen the man having sex with a raiders fan.

"What exactly did you see, Mrs. Boltsfansrule?"

"Well," she began in her ancient voice, "I saw the two having sex and then when that man there..." She points at the defendant, "arrived at climax, the other man, a despicable Raiders fan, licked his member clean."

At this point one of the jurors leaned over to another and said, "A good Raiders fan will do that for you."

And the case was thrown out because of biased jurors.

Can't wait until Sunday.

5-4: We're Over .500

For the first time in 3 years.

Ricky, thanks for the highlight. Ginn, thanks for the circus catch. Senneca Wallace, thanks for being a college quarterback. We would have lost otherwise.

In a year or two, with Donald Thomas back and a couple great drafts, this team will be IT.

Peace!!!

3 Keys - Seattle Seahawks Edition

Alright everyone, are we ready for some winning football? The inept Seattle Seahawks (I feel for them, personally) are in town and we're going to give the wood.

The three keys are simple this week. And it starts with...

1. Run The Goddamn Ball

Chad Pennington is seriously playing his heart out. Those idiots up in New York went for Brett Favre over this guy? The back breaking Brett Favre? Chad P. has been lights out so far. I like to think of him as the football equivalent of Jamie Moyer.

That aside, the Dolphins have continued to struggle in their run blocking. Too much penetration and tackles for loss. Ricky and Ronnie are having to break too many tackles to get even a mild yardage gain.

Sparano shook it up this week by hinting at replacing Indukwe with Andy Allemain and possibly trying others out as well. The guard spot opposite Justin Smiley has been a bad one since rookie Donald Thomas went out. They need performance here to improve in order to make teams respect the run.

Today is a good day to do so. Against the Seahawks the Dolphins should be able to produce a good ground game to build off of in the future.

Let's see some homeruns.

2. Stop The Run

The Seahawks only shot is to run the ball. They average just over a hundred yards per game and with Senneca Wallace QBing the team they simply need a ground game. The Dolphins rank 9th in the NFL against the rush and I am confident that Ferguson, Holliday, Langford et al will more than adequately handle this team.

3. Joey Porter - Defensive MVP Watch

Joey is back at it. I told my business partner last week that if they won Denver and Joey got a sack then the floodgates would open. The effluence of trash talk has been astounding since.

Now Joey has to keep up the pace though and against an 8 time Pro Bowler in Seattle's left tackle, Walter Jones.

Joey, if you want to get to that accolade you're going to have to pry a sack from Jones. Go get'em, killer.

That's it.

PEP TALK - Theme Song

Last year when I was at the London game, a British friend of mine was commenting on how cool the Dolphins theme song was. At the time, it didn't strike me as "cool", but it was catchy... Kinda wimpy, but hey, blame it on the era during which it was composed.

I had not thought about or heard the song all that much, being a fan from hundreds of miles away. I know that the song is played at all home games, but having only been to one in my life, and being quite hungover in the very top row catching a beatdown by the sun, it was hard to remember.

What I'm trying to say here is that this song is epic. Not in a "Stairway to Heaven" way, but more in a "Africa" (by Toto) way. I simply love it. GO PHINS!

Miami Dolphins Fans: Barack Obama Will Save Your Team

It is not often that an election can have a direct effect on a sports franchise. I can't think of an instance where a politician, particularly a presidential candidate, has cast a shadow over the daily running of a football team. After all, why would a coach, player or owner every get involved with something as polarizing as a presidential race? Why? Because they always have been.

One of the first posts I wrote on this blog was titled The Garbage Man In Winter. In it I discussed Huizenga's money first approach to owning a sports franchise. I also discussed his hardline right wing politics and hard core Christianity. I mentioned the dismantling of the Marlins and the slow decay of the Dolphins. I talked about the manipulation of personnel decisions from on high (Huizenga himself) to include players of spiritual and political demeanor aligned with Huizenga himself. John Beck and Abraham Wright are two most recent players of that mold.

The Dolphins have always been profitable for Wayne. It's a simple issue of bookkeeping. You run the team always below the cap. Maintain a couple superstars to keep fans interested and jerseys selling. When the team plays poorly year to year, you know that the demographics of Miami will always allow for high sales from the visiting New York and New England teams (and anywhere else really).

In essence, if you are H. Wayne Huizenga you don't need to offer Dolphins fans a good product. You need to sell tickets and really, what has been a better buy for a displaced New Yorker living in South Florida than to go to a Dolphins - Jets game? I can't think of one.

The team has been horrid since H. Wayne took over. He finally made the desperate and wise move to bring in some real brass. I say finally because bringing in Bill Parcells would mean bringing in a fully utilized salary cap. He's not a Jimmy Johnson style conservative (referring to football) who believes in drafting cheap help. Parcells believes in drafting cheap help and making the right big plays in free agency. Long story short: Parcells would be expensive for Huizenga. He would cut into some of those profits.

He would also drive up the value of the team. Stephen Ross, the new Co-Owner of the team, bought a team in the off season that had just finished one of the worst seasons in franchise (or NFL that matter) history.

With the Dolphins sitting at 4-4 with a easy schedule to close the season, this team will finish at least 8-8 (mark it down) and be one of the media darlings going into the 2009 season.

So where am I going here? H. Wayne has sounded off on the election, as many of you know, by saying he will sell another 45% of the Dolphins off if Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama is elected.

Really, Wayne? Seriously? You know, I was leaning towards Obama as it was. Now though, you almost certainly locked up my vote for Barack Obama.

The reason he wants to sell? Here are H. Wayne's own words:

"He wants to double the capital gains tax, or almost double it," Huizenga said. "I'd rather give it to charity than to him."

That would be wrong. Barack Obama plans on raising capital gains from 15% to 20%, which was what it was under Ronald Regan. It would also be wrong for anyone to believe that Obama somehow gets the money. America does, H. Wayne. The United States of America would get your 5%. An awful thing in Wayne's mind. I guess he'd rather it go to the GOP or something.

For one, people who are able to buy and sell vast companies and organizations like the Dolphins get soft taxes to begin with. 20% instead of 15% is still a lot less than what he'd pay if that sale was specified under income tax. I don't want to go there though. I just want to point out that Huizenga has again used the Dolphins as a venue for politics. He has again confused what the fans of his franchise care about and what he cares about.

If H. Wayne Huizenga is willing to part with the Dolphins over the a difference of 5% in taxes, then godspeed Wayne. You have been a terrible owner and have ground up for beef every franchise you have ever owned.

Good riddance, I say.